HAPPY BIRTHDAY MING ((((:



with all the love, kisses & hugs i have.



i love you mucho mucho (: and i wish you happiness, love and all the nicest things in the world. may you always be smiling so happily. haha.



god i haven't seen myself smile so happily in quite awhile 0_o i'm positively glowing in these few photos. must be my darling mingkie-poo.

for you i will

[edit] everyday, so many moments in one day. the same few thoughts just keep circling and swirling in my mind. the fleeting moments perhaps is what makes it so hard. the lack of a product, the intangible-ness of it all. how do you box something up you can't even grasp. its like grabbing at air. that seems all i'm doing nowadays. the emptiness of it all.

i think of happily ever afters, or rather of the possible lack of it. the need to hold on to someone. i think of hellos and goodbyes, of silences, of conversations, of darkness. i wish for so much. but i wonder how much there'll be. just cos i constantly fight and hope, doesn't mean i don't worry. i find such irony in that i require angie for some sunshine so often, to keep me moving on, and yet...

oh what a fool i am. [/edit]

i feel like i'm on this rollercoaster ride. its been up and down the past week. so many happy happy times. and yet so many times where i feel everything just plummets so low.

i'm not good with telling ppl at the point in time exactly how i feel. its just an inability to show my weaknesses. which is why i appreciate my loves here, who will know something is up at 'hello'. being home forces me to face ppl. haha. cos in london, if i'm feeling shit.. i can just hide away in my room, never seeing anyone ever, until ashraf or marcus comes banging (which brings me back to some sanity) -.- i learnt long time ago that if you show your weaknesses, like how teasings affected you, then ppl would just jump on it even more. just cos someone replies teasings, taunts, mean words and all that fuck shit with snippy remarks or a laugh, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. and recently, hearing it from my mum, plus everything else has been just getting to me.

two steps forward, three steps backward. i'm going insane.

i'm keeping off alcohol for awhile. it just doesn't feel like i'm drinking for the sake of enjoyment anymore, but rather as an escape. and while i don't drink constantly, i just stopped liking the taste anymore. and my stomach has been violently protesting. and i've been abusing my stomach for quite awhile, so i think i should be kind to it for now. hahaha.

sins sins sins. so much greyness. i feel like this holiday is incredibly messed up. haha. once i get home to london, no more shit.

i just need to get a grip on it all really. but like ___ who i got the 'grip' thing from. its so easily to slip. tmr i start studying properly. i haven't done this kinda mugging in awhile. i hope its going to keep my mind off things. i really need to decide my position on everything. like how i want to approach things. sighs. cos i keep changing my mind, keep bouncing back and forth the many things that keeps bugging me. i don't know. i thought my perspective on everything improved alot when i went to london. but now, faced with everything, i wonder if i ever changed at all. was it cos those people really didn't matter to me in that way (anymore), that it was so easy. hah. all i know now, is that its not easy.

i'm hurting, confused, upset, distressed and aching.

the jump in numbers in my hit counter is very disconcerting. well at least i got an explanation for one, and i can account for maybe 30. but wth. this is getting weird.

the word of the day is displaced. while i'm loving being with my friends again, everyone have their own lives now, and while for that few hours we're in our own bubble, after that time we just return to our own spheres. so now i'm missing my london darlings, feeling so cut off from them.

i think i'm finally ready to get it done. i'm ready. i need it. i will never regret it. life with no regrets right?

putting it down is helping.

i'm alot more relaxed about things this time around. no more rushing to meet ppl, not sleeping at all and doing crazy shit. maybe cos this time i have more time. and i more zen yeah. haha. oh plus everyone's either having exams, or not around -.- brilliant. nvm. gd for studying. heh. i'm missing my US girls dearly. mel, jerrine and dione. pouts.

talking to dione on skype and msn is the most bloody hilarious shit ever. laugh until want to fall off the chair kinda laugh. its super funny how we have to be separated by thousands of miles to be brought closer to each other again. sighs. i miss this scandalous girl of mine.

ok. pictures from these few weeks shall have to wait till i'm back in london. cos i've been spoilt rotten by hall connection, that this bloody slow internet connection is killing me -.-

good jap dinner tonight. god i can't wait. i've been missing my toro, wagyu and hamachi dearly. and hopefully a nice drive about again (((:

i'm really not dealing well with this invasion of my privacy and space back home. i don't like it one bit. i love my family to bits, but i really think we're a happier family apart. i feel like i'm going insane -.- so much for the peace. i'm super used to being liable to no one that i can't deal with having dinner times, having to fight for cable with my mum and all that shit. gahh. i think the only time i get some peace is when i'm out with my friends or alone driving. i'm really trying bloody hard not to be ungrateful, but this is killing me.

ellen toh. ellen toh. ellen toh. i was just talking today to jeremy, and i realised as i was talking, there are some times that i say something, then i stop and realise, god that's ellen, not wan jun. there are some parts of ellen that i love. and want to hold on to. that headstrong-ness (well not like i wasn't headstrong to begin with), the cool calm collected attitude, the aloofness, the masks, the layers (like i said before, i need to learn how to protect myself better. i'm just too open sometimes, to the point i'm vulnerable), that belief in myself. i'm rambling. i haven't read finish jointly & severably yet. its like i can't quite bear for it to end. shrugs. 1314222425.

i resist the urge every day, ever night. to let myself slip into oblivion. an oblivion that i so crave, but cannot and should not have.

i said many time before i felt so claustrophobic in singapore. but driving today, sitting here now by my window. i realise that the skies are so wide and open here in spore. i can look out and see the sky all around me. but in london you only get this little sliver between the buildings. and as much as i love the skies, clouds and stars, and can spend hours on end staring at them. i feel like i can breathe more easily in london, even though its more polluted, more closed up than here. its the whole mentality thing larh. shrugs. but for now, while i'm back, i'm happy to be staring at the open skies (: just letting the world go by.

i feel the disparity more glaringly each time we meet.

: best i ever had :: vertical horizon :

god everything just seems right and makes sense whenever i'm with screw. they make the world seem right again. nothing is too major that cannot be swept away with some funny nonsense, laughter (so much laughter that my throat hurts), screw kind of talking, screw happiness and wii games. damnit, i'm going to buy a nintendo wii, buy guitar heroes & that adorable little guitar. ahahaha. ashraf will so trump julia at that game :p i hope.

twas lovely tonight. if only i could live like the times we had over and over again. if only they were by my side all the time, i'd never be sad. haha. nothing can make me angry/upset when i come back and spend time with screw, not even getting lost many many times thanks to our dear cassandra seto tian hui's lack of directional skills. hahaha. even the time spent getting lost with ming and cass all are happy wonderful times. haha.

haha. ming's coming over to bake tmr (: i happy.

hello ming, hello hello hello.

i love screw mucho mucho (((: you all make my heart swell until pain. make shaking hands worth it from boxing. make getting lost worth it. make me so happy. make me wish for rg days until want to cry.

goodnight sweetpea. goodnight honeybun.

msn conversations are seriously taking over everything. i have wayyy more heart to heart talks on msn than i get anywhere else -.- well partly cos everyone scattered all around the globe now. shrugs.

i'm planting my new outlook in life firmly inside of me. well not that new, its been there for a few months, but always had the tendency to fly off during emergencies -.- hahaha. optimistic fuck care happy live-in-the-moment attitude. i like.

happy days are coming up (:

i'm actually quite happy with the way things are now. simple easy and nice. with just a tinge of the prospect of future happenings. hahaha.

bet you it won't last for long -.-

i want more late night drives around the city. anyone want to come on a drive with me? and blow your lungs out singing with me, talking shit and just being in each other's company

[edit] so many things remind me of so many ppl. my numbers from like 3 years ago till present was deleted completely. it leaves you with this slightly lost feeling. the feeling like you're trying to grab at something so intangible, like grasping at air. you know its there, but you don't have the ability to capture it. like how i know all my friends exist, but i'm in no position to contact them. rather disconcerting feeling. so when i have to look for interdependent, whom i have no real common friends, i'm left floundering till the sweet boy contacted me scolding me for not calling him even though i was back (: heh. i want a late night drive with him. i miss our interdependence days sometimes.

talking to suefaye & ziying today over icecream and grocery shopping made me so happy (: its amazing how i never have to worry about my friends judging me. even friends as innocent and pure as ziying (: hahaha, suefaye would never fall under the innocent category. smirks. c'mon baby. ahahahaha. happy day happy day. need more like these and i'll be back to normal again. that's not saying i'm not emo-ing -.- [/edit]

there's nothing that can make me quite happy as the curve of a well-made stiletto. haha.

watching football brings about alot of thoughts about many random people. when i see certain footballers i think of certain girls. when i see certain teams, i think of certain boys. hahaha. i rmb the times where wj & i used to scream over the phone during the arsenal man u matches. haha.
spore overwhelms me with memories sometimes. seeing as how i've lived here my entire life, and went through everything here, its not surprising. but the thing is the mentality i have here and in london. here, everything is approached with utmost caution, making sure every step is correct, never making a mistake. which resulted in me over-thinking, over-analysing, worrying about consequences all the time, and never actually living in the moment. but in london, i finally understood how i'm only in this point in time once in my entire life, never again can i go back. and due to the knowledge that i'll only be in london for a fixed time period, i've taken on the live in the moment attitude. i'm living for myself, for the moment and for the present now. which results in alot of rash impulsive choices. but its been really good so far. i do what i want, when i want. as long as it makes me happy. haha. i'm living a life without regrets, saying what i want, pursuing what i want, when i want. and its really doing me and my soul alot of good. i need to hold on to that while i'm in spore, and keep the momentum going. hahaha.

coming back to spore sometimes makes my time in london feels so surreal and like a dream. hmmms. but i'm really missing london actually. being liable to no one, not having to answer to anyone, eating what i want, doing what i want, anytime i want. hahaha. shit, only a few days back in spore and i'm missing it alr. die.

ok that last post was written in a very insane manner -.- hahaha. i have half a mind of deleting it. but seeing as i don't want to ever regret anything, i'll leave it there.

last night was super fun (: driving, eating, talking and stoning. hahaha. times with jie like that make everything so wonderful. makes coming home to spore seem right. but then wan jun just has to go do stupid things as usual. sheesh. control wanjun. control.

its funny how happy jeremy's shit, taunts and suanings can make me so happy. smirks. i'm a masochist. seriously.

i missing my daughter, sam badly ): she's doing naughty things this daughter of mine, with her havoc friend chris. sheesh. and my husband is blaming me for it. wonderful. hahaha

its time to clear shit up once and for all. this looks to be interesting. sighs.

i don't know what things are anymore. i think this is getting really fucked up. i suddenly wonder if coming home was the right thing to do. hah. i'm just going back to my old addiction again. and i swore i would not succumb again. god. what's wrong with me. i don't know what the shit i'm doing. this is not good at all. not good not good not good.

independence, dependence. fuck it.

temptations. i could never resist them.

i feel like a raving lunatic -.- brilliant.

sitting in the car tonight just stoning and thinking and talking was wonderful though.

god. my house wireless is so bloody bad -.- i have no idea why. so i got to blog as fast i can. grumbles.

been sick the past few days. haha. i think from thorpe park. arrived in spore yesterday, and spent yesterday all grumpy, cranky and whiney like a brat cos i was all sick and feeling like absolute shit. hahaha. but twas nice to be able to ring up screw, yipeng, anwar or my juniors any time. haha. was nice nice (((:

went out with yipeng tonight for dinner. bar hopped then ended up at mos where i met lydia. haha, feels abit odd to see lse ppl in spore. same feeling as seeing sporeans in london. hahaha. had yummy yummy tonkatsu with my crazy old friend who i used to hate so much, then ends up one of my closest and longest-lasting drama friends of the lot. hahaha, talked shit for damn long, spilled alot of secrets. oh how i miss our drinking days. haha.

i realise i have the most complicated friends around -.- not like i'm not complicated myself. ming says my soap operas are longer and more complicated than days of our lives. smirks. i wonder which is worse, doing things and tormenting yourself over what you did, or doing things and not giving a fuck care about what you did. hahaha. i wonder which one i am. sighs. though i actually don't think either are necessarily bad. just a different way of living your own life i suppose.

i think things turned out for the best. i like the way i'm living my life now. liable to no one. just that sometimes standing alone gets tiring, and i feel like falling.

i think ET is leaving me already. i feel less of the confusion, less of the conflicting emotions that i've come to associate with her. but i'm going to meet eleanor wong if i can, and i don't really want to let go of ET till i do. but other than ET, i'm doing as well on other issues. i might not be self-sufficient, just like ET, but here i have ppl who'll hold me, love me and ease the pain. they help alot. they soothe that pain. they are the cold water to the daze i've been in. the daze that was lent term. so many temptations, so many sins, so many possibilities to veer off my original path (not like that's a bad thing really). shrugs. i quite like veering off the path, being rash and impulsive. but it can be oh so lethal.

i'm rambling and talking in circles again.

flying in. seeing singapore. made me feel like such a stranger.

hello friend, since we're always on the topic of flaws. let me tell you one of mine. i choose friends who won't walk away. i have major abandonment issues. so if you want to walk, walk now. before i get too attached. haha. if you stay, i'll claim hakkasan soon. i'm getting better (: don't worry. i might not be self-sufficient, but i will find a way back onto my own two feet. by hook or by crook, with a helping hand here or there.

so you sail away

to a grey sky morning

peel the onion, peel peel the onion.

this onion is not going to change the core ever. i've done everything to maintain this core, and i'm happy with this core. but the layers are ever increasing, with each injury, each scar, the layers has increased, especially all the torment you put me through all these years. i just hope at the end of the day, someone can peel this many layered onion. otherwise i can say goodbye to my tree falling, my happily ever after. hah.

i somehow feel like i need to get drunk and do some stupid things. alcoholic i am. haha. i just need to feel that rush of ultimate escapism, which is the closest i get to the feeling of performing. that fleeting feeling of not being there, and yet feeling so alive, and so aware of everything. well alcohol gets u the first one la. haha. not so sure about the other 2. smirks.

i'm trying my best to not continue it. really. but sometimes when things get too much, the need to do it comes back. and i swore not to continue. so i must be strong.

i'm a person who believes that if there's a will there's a way. there's nothing i can't quite do if i put my mind to it :p and i shall. gahhhh.

one last blog post before ...

haha. i think i'm getting abit too easy to read already. its abit disconcerting that two people can read me so well at the same time. shrugs. connection right? haha. you two know very well who you two are. and to one i'm extremely grateful for everything. to the other, i'm glad the air's been cleared. like i said, i was going to tie up the loose ends by myself anyway. and nowhere's better to do it than with my lovelies. haha.

i'm walking away from this path now. but when i'm ok, i know i'll definitely find my way back, on a different path. same old same old.

thorpe park today was a blast. ashraf won me a HUGE ASS pooh in a jumper (((: totally made my day. i was super happy. i was bouncing around with it e whole time. making sure it didn't get dirty. it was the only thing he won today. hehee, he tried again at the same game for sanjay but couldn't win anything. smirks. i like being special (: haha. much love to ashraf. who has been keeping me company these past few days and all those nights during production. he kept me going all this while. which makes me feel even worse for pangsehing him, but he understands i need this la. sighs.

talking to jer on msn today was love. i think i've got so many wonderful conversations with ppl on msn nowadays. haha. she reinforced my belief in myself. made me feel loved. and most importantly, got me so laugh. its super funny how we talk more when we're separated by so much distance. same with dione. what a joke.

shit the room is rocking and spinning around me. i think i'm going to be sick. after all this time you'd think i'd be super used to my low bloody pressure. damnit.

i think there's a masochistic side to me, a side that always existed but i wasn't sure i was willing to acknowledge. but after all this, i definitely know it exists. but i think i've grown from all this too. i don't think i've hardened alot more. unlike previous encounters. but ET and this has combined to make me alot more aware of many things.

rash, impulsive and instinctive. that would be me.

soon. just give me time. everyone.

: you and me song :: wannadies :

i realise i'm blogging nonstop. haha. i think its cos during the play, i blocked off everything. blocked off my thoughts, hopes, feelings, dreams and everything. and now that its over, everything's gushing out. like a dam that has burst.

when i'm feeling down these few days. i console myself by thinking of a better tomorrow, a tomorrow that i believe will come. but at the same time, i'm not blinding myself to the present. i'm living in the present, with the past as memories and the future as hope. its getting there.

london to me represents a place of freedom, no limitations. the reason i came here was to experience a whole new world, escape from the controlling environment in spore (in all aspects) and to push my boundaries. i think i've done that the past 5/6 months i've been here, and i don't think i've ever been happier. haha. i'm having the time of my life. and its wonderful. the funny thing is though, that even though i'm pushing my boundaries, and experimenting with all that freedom, i don't think i've lost control ever. i haven't done anything drastic (even the play is something ppl would expect from me). i haven't gone crazy havoc apeshit (unlike some annoying girls. ahem). i haven't put on weight (at least e scale says so). i haven't lost alot of weight either (yes i'm eating screw). hahaha. and its been really good. i feel like a student here, a teenager or youth that's experimenting with all that life has to offer, good and bad. and living (:

while in singapore. its a place of cages, words and lines. you can't escape the rules, limits and boundaries. be it in my home, the number of ppl you know, how ppl talk and all that shit. i could never do the things i do here back home. not that i care much about what ppl say about me. but its just so unnecessary and irritating. but at the same time, its back home where i have the most liberty to be an adult. haha. i'm not bound by that 'student' tag there. i can drive, go wherever i want, and back in spore i don't have a school. if in spore, its just purely to relax have fun. haha. i'm talking shit. i know everything like the back of my hand, unfamilarity doesn't affect me. but i suppose that comes with living there for years, and with time, it'll be the same in london. ah wells.

off to thorpe park i go tmr!

i really wonder if you know how you affect me, how you hurt me and how you make me feel. i swore never to fall into the same trap again. and here i am, in a similar but perhaps more fucked up situation. shrugs. i'm tired. and i still need to clean up this mess that is my room and my life. god i can't even navigate around my room anymore with the clothes hanging everywhere. haha. laundry day.

i'm ridding myself of everything now. going back to the fundamental basics. what i came here with.

i don't quite like the way ________, and i'm even more angry at myself for letting it happen. miniscule is the word. i hate feeling like that. and i never used to feel like that. no matter how much shit happened, i never doubted myself. and yet here i am now, falling into the same thing that took me so long to pull myself out of. it took me so long to be happy with who i am. and yet just a few conversations, and i'm doing things i wouldn't normally do. god i'm a mess aren't i.

'I don't like what i've become with you, Ellen. My whole life revolves around you and Sam. I have nothing else. I feel useless and redundant... I just have to get away from this.'

that just keeps resounding in my head. ellen and jon's words are running through my heads. snippets that keep flashing that remind me of the situation i'm in. 'i've spent too long coming to terms with myself'. i really can't deal with the factors that are turning my life upside down inside out anymore. i need to walk away, for myself, for my sanity and for me to keep on believing.

don't you find that life is such a mix of ironies. when you actually start clearing the mess up, physically emotionally mentally, its when you actually make it the worst it will ever be, then can it improve. the curve has to dip before it can start rising. same like my room. since i started cleaning up, its the messiest its ever been. same like how the sky is the darkest before the sun rises. how its the calmest before the storm. haha.

i want to go back and sit and watch the stars at night. so many things with me revolve around stars. haha.

i realise the people whom i hold dearest to me, are those that dare to stop me. care enough to tell me to stop. slap me to wake me up. they are those who force me to eat. force me to stop drinking diet coke. tell me to walk away. scold me when they think i'm fucking up. haha. and how my heart fills with love when i think of them. they keep me going, they keep me together, and i'm ever so grateful for that. cos i'm desperately needing that now.

i'm talking in circles. as usual.

no man is an island.

that i believe wholeheartedly, and while i may hide away in my room, away from the rest of the world at times, well ok most of the time. i've never been good at being self-sufficient. i can stand on my own, without a doubt. but after awhile, it just gets too tiring, and i feel like i'm going to collapse. that's when i turn to my friends. who have stood by me all these years, with love, faith and trust. haha. and sometimes nothing can compare to that. they've seen me at my highest and lowest. been there for everything no matter how far apart we might be. and now, all i need is that.

that and some peace.

i've made up my mind. i think the fact that i made the first decision, has given me the strength to figure out the rest. and while i've figured it out, it doesn't mean its less painful. but i hope i can pull through (:

seeing chong's post about m&a. made me so so happy (((: all we wanted to with m&a was to leave an impact on people, so give them insight to something, to plant the seed of thoughts. and to see it happen is amazing. haha. plus she said she was so proud of me just made me beam like a crazy idiot for super long. hahaha.

i hope i did all of you proud (: i'll miss you guys. so much. we were almost like a dysfunctional family. haha. i hope all this can happen again. but i know its not goodbye. it'll never be goodbye (: life moves in circles. when i thought i wouldn't ever see some ppl again, they will somehow find a way to reappear in your life if its meant to be. grins.

i wish you happiness. more than anything else.

i'm off to seek my own happiness again. to find the things that make me smile, laugh, cry and scream. haha. i've been feeling incredibly emotionally stunted. like a cork has stopped my emotions from coming out, and i need to pull it out. i want my whole range of extreme emotions back. rather than this empty moroseness i've been feeling.

: grey sky morning :: vertical horizon :

my stomach hurts from binging.

i drift between hyper-awareness and totally zone-out-ness.

bloody miserable are the words of the day.

borough market did bring spirits up abit. especially with the super good parma, cakes and scallops. yum.

mahjong was a loss of money, but i must say li guang & kai's place is nice nice (((:

time for pictures!

suck finger!!! whahaha.

mervyn & li guang dancing

flaming sambucca. pui.

love triangle. smirks. i heart this photo (((:

theatre-magic-maker!

this was on the top of the stage at conway hall. i agree wholeheartedly.

our set. way way cool.

cuiyin SM!

mary & ellen

tiu lan face -.-

jc, ellen & lesley. complicated shit.

my darling lover (:

chongs darling (:

lilin, henry, julie, kareen & reuben (:

lse singsoc yr1

ayla & charlotte (:

jenn darling

happiness!

tiankai.

peter ((:

jc, sam at age 7 & ellen

candid shot!

pretty flowers from kaylene

flowers from chor ming (:

interesting revelations tonight made my heart hurt so much i thought it was going to burst. so many fucking thoughts keep swirling around my head. i need to put an end to this mess. i really need to. like i said. mind's willing & strong, heart's weak and unwilling.

rationality. that was one thing i always lacked.

I wish you bluebirds in the spring

To give your heart a song to sing

And then a kiss, but more than this

I wish you love

And in July a lemonade

To cool you in some leafy glade

I wish you healthBut more than wealth

I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree

That you and I could never be

So with my best

My very best

I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm

A cozy fire to keep you warm

But most of all when snowflakes fall

I wish you love

sometimes i feel so small and insignificant. so value-less and invisible.

i'm not asking for attention. i'm just asking for appreciation.

woken up at 6pm today by an sms coming in. checked my phone, there was 5 smses. but the last one that came in, the only one that woke me up. came from stef. and how it made my heart swell. it swelled till it hurt so much. with love and with longing. then the phone call to rachel before i fell asleep. if it came up to 30 pounds, it would be worth it. so worth it. then talked to anwar before that too. haha. just cos i need to rmb other ppl who were out there that i love.

the problem that i'm struggling with now.. isn't that i don't want to go home. its more of how i don't want to go home in such circumstances. i don't want to go home just cos i'm in a bad emotional and mental state. i want to go home cos that's what i planned to do and what i wanted to do. not need to do.

i would have been perfectly fine with staying here in london for a whole year without going home. its just at this point in time, in my fucked up situation. i don't know if i can hold on much longer before i cave and do something stupid.

the mind is strong, but the heart is so weak.

JC: ET, unsure of your self-sufficiency?

ET: Always, Jon, always.

mahjong tonight, borough market tmr, kaylene's bday dinner tmr night. i hope that makes everything abit better.

its time again. to do my recollections, emo-ing, reminiscing and sorting out my thoughts. putting everything down in writing helps alot with the healing process. its not going to be easy. but as usual, everytime after production, comes exams. so that helps with filling my time. i don't know which will be worse. withdrawal from dance night 06, or withdrawal from this. but i have a feeling this will be worse.

though dance night took up way more time than this ever did. and i was in charge of 2 dances. performed in 5. was in the exco. this was taking on a whole new persona. ellen toh. i even gave her a chinese name in my head :p which i have no idea where it came from. but it stuck. haha. and yesterday. i was ellen toh. for the first time through the whole play. wan jun wasn' there. it was all ET. i barely even remember most of it. it was just this amazing blur. the laughter, the gasps, the applause. it felt so surreal. like i was in a fishbowl, and here were the ppl who had this glimpse into my life.

i can't even start to explain how far i went in. how broken i feel now. i smile, i laugh, i talk. but there's this great detachment i feel from everything. i'm here, in london. in my room. but it feels like i should be back in spore in a law firm. which is mighty fucked up. cos it makes me want to go home more than ever. which i suppose would help me recover from my withdrawal symptoms. having screw and everyone around. but escaping isn't the solution. i can't keep running back home everytime i need help. and 6 weeks. i want to enjoy the cold for as long as i can. i'm really thinking of heading off to usa. cos mel's there. and mel always could find the broken pieces of wan jun and in her own gentle way, put me back together. over the years, she has always been the one picking me up. i need her.

omg -.- we're starting it all over again. this insane facebook wall-writing and photo commenting. the other night, monday night i think. tiankai, cuiyin & i were all on facebook writing on each other's walls nonstop. i think the three-way fb wall convo resulted in like what 150 wall posts back and forth? wth. and now we're doing it again -.- fb whores we all are.

this is going to be one hell of a long post. plus emo one. so look away if you can't bear it. anyway its for me. so whatever. the only time when i can feel normal now, is with my cast. cos they've been all the ppl i've been spending time with the past few weeks. well other than ashraf & marcus. who have been super nice to me (: i heart. but yes. our wall posts, conversations and everything are peppered with lines from the play. we talk in circles that only the few of us understand, and it brings this whole different level of comfort to all of us. its an amazing thing. i love it. its such a daily-life drama that the lines can fit anywhere into our daily lives. or maybe cos i still can't let go of ellen toh that's why the words are coming so easily to me.

there were many things about ellen toh that i found similar to me. somethings i understood, some i didn't. but after being her for so long, i can no longer tell where she starts and where she ends. i know it sounds extremely exaggerated and drama. but its the truth. i think only one person can understand how fucked up i feel right now. shrugs. i don't know quite how to 'flush' her out and i'm not sure if i really want to let her go. there are so many things about ellen i could easily live with. hah. maybe its cos i'm not ready to say goodbe to the play, to the people yet. it felt way too short. and it came so fast and strong, and left so quickly and adruptly too. it feels like something was ripped out from inside of me, and now all that's left is this gaping raw hole. its part play and part other fucked up shit larh.. sighs. but there are somethings about ellen i definitely can live without. and things i should definitely let go of. the confusion, the instability, the homosexuality, the smoking and all that bloody sexual tension. haha.

walking out tonight to buy fish and chips felt really good. the cold wet air was lovely for clearing my mind. slept like 14 hours today. missed class, will probably miss class tmr too. see how. i'm so drained and tired. its not even funny.

i've never been particularly good at voicing my thoughts in words. so i'll just deal with everything in one off words. haha. about everything about the play. and those who were in it, should get it, if you don't, you don't. i do and that's all that matters.

m&a. et. jc. lesley. mary. sam. wan jun. tiankai. jenn. kat. cuiyin. chris. mervyn. peter. liguang. straight. gay. lesbian. onion. sex. pre-sex. post-sex. five. many seconds. nose jabbing. shirt unbuttoning. chairs. set-change. hugo boss. pain. anger. confusion. afraid. love. in love. friendship. fucked up. emo. tension. insanity. meandering. smoking. seduction. smell of smoke on clothes. scents. perfume. washing detergent. pink shirts. shinky shonky. black shirts. white shirts. blowjobs (the drink. i don't want mel reading this and fainting). b52s. flaming sambucca. room 825. tv room. toes. cold. water. d202. java chip frapps. beds. black bras. flirting. menthols. mentos. singing. dancing. angst. tears. chinatown. tattoos. silver shirt. dreams. talks. kimchi. kimchi jigae. late night sleepovers. flowers. happiness. home. comfort. feelings. conway hall. sofa. sofa beds. forceful. lusty. cheeky. fairytale. i-love-you. angie. secrets. shadows. shades of grey. vulnerable. hands. fear. honey. strepsils. lakerol. hair. eyeliner. emptiness. broken. alcohol. sexuality. caresses. chocolates. badges. cards. gerbera. support. phone calls. long distance phone calls. nervous breakdown. anxiety attacks. fuck care. affection. holding. endearment. mindfucked. lighters. props. lamps. selfridges. luggage. memories. book. emails. facebook. office. chairs. static. hellos. goodbyes. wrights bar. subway. holborn. sushi. chicken. twenty pounds. london. singapore. lagos. paris. wine. temptation. age. distances. proximity. touch. walking away.

its been a wonderful 6 weeks. up and downs. i hit my highest and my lowest since i came to london in those 6 weeks. the emo-ing is going to last a few more weeks. but for now. it has to stop. cos my head's hurting, heart's aching and i have an email to finish typing.

thank you to all of you who came and supported. it meant the world to me.

thanks seto & ziying ((: muah.

hello TK (: hahaha. welcome. grins.

oooh. i'm feeling so much lighter, happier and bouncier after talking to yipeng. hahaha. this boy does have his uses sometimes. smirks. and i'm sure he'll be very grateful to me after this year cos of all the flights of stairs he climbed. haha. exercise mah. but yes, i realise we think in the same way. we basically throw ourselves into whatever we want to do. kill ourselves to do it. in a test of our abilities, determination and willpower. the same way i am obsessing about ellen. to the point that her habits and characteristics come to me like that. he understands. he appreciates. he approves. and it makes me feel like i'm not so fucking insane after all (: thank god.

makes me put alot of things in a relative viewpoint. interesting.

my friends and cast's concern for me is very touching (: but yes, i've not gone over the edge yet. thank you.

i think i'm really preparing to walk away. i thought everything would be simple and uncomplicated. i'm complicated, messy and damaged enough. i don't need more complications, mess and damage. that might just push me off the edge.

i'm reaching the point of no return soon.

i can no longer differentiate between ellen toh and seow wan jun anymore. i've become a mesh of the two. leaning more towards ellen toh. and its driving me fucking insane.

i want to be the best i can be on wednesday.

this is definitely taking a toll on our mental states. mine and tiankai's especially. fucked up i tell you.

my head's hurting so bad with all the thinking and trying to sort out. my chest is hurting from the intensity of it all.

i don't think i'll be quite the same, after this play. it hasn't ruined me per se. but it has changed me. definitely. i'm losing my zen attitude in the confusion. and i need to get that back. i can lose everything that is wan jun. but i cannot lose that zen attitude that took me so long to find. its the only bloody thing that's keeping me sane.

and i think, at the end of this. i need to flush out ellen. desperately. put alot of emotions and feelings into this box, lock it up and tuck it into the back of my heart.

its been one amazingly long week. it started really badly. got better, and now it all feels good ((: haha. its less than a week to my play. so we've been having rehearsals everyday. doinks. its getting way hardcore, but i love it. my whole life revolves around the play, and it feels so good. just like dance night all over again. ahaha. i'm masochistic (;

last night we went to shinky shonky, this gay/lesbian night at ku bar. 8 of us went, cuiyin, mervyn, li guang, peter, chris, jenn, tiankai & i. omg. it was so fun, but so so bad. hahaha. way interesting sia. haha, like the shows around us were more interesting than e shows on stage :p plus all the hilarious/scandalous/insane dancing that was going on. smirks. win. but yes got bloody smashed -.- all 8 of us were either high or smashed. was amazing that all 8 got back home safely and still could turn up for rehearsals today. ahahaha. ok. pictures tmr ((: sleep now.

what a rollercoaster ride this is.

maybe i should have just stuck with dancing

words really cannot describe how happy i feel when:
i open up my inbox to see an email that has 'choo' as sender
getting long emails from anwar when he comes out of tekong
i put down the phone after 3/4/5 hour phonecalls with hongmin
reading ming's notes from my happy birthday box
seeing kayli in london
you just look at me, the way you do

ming is just my bubble of happiness (((: makes my heart warm and melt.

you're not without us la - you just can't see us with your own eyes but you're not without us.

i miss screw to death. just that was enough to make me want to go home immediately.

i forgot to tell you this. i hope you're happy now. you look happy. but as we all know, deep down inside its not always the same. i just hope you don't hurt yourself anymore. cos it breaks my heart to see the harm. everytime i see it, it still scares me. i love you mucho mucho. remember that (:

hello lydia again (((: hahaha. muacks.

pictures from e past few crazy hectic weeks.

hongmin & i at london fashion weekend (((: i heart this girl to bits. she's my everything rolled into one. hahaha.

inside the shopping madness!

kayli jie & i taking a bus down to topshop. i miss my jie so muchhh ):

at italian kitchen. which is this damn good italian restaurant near my place ((:

hongmin & i, stoning at floorball

coffin's too big for the hole. chris' set design (: mucho nice.

cuiyin & i! hahaha. i heart this pic.

cuiyin & i at the pub.

bloody hell good fats.

chris & i. he's my m&a set designer (:

mervyn with cuiyin's earmuffs. whahaha.

someone looks drunk :p

what my hallway looked like on fri night. stoned ppl everywhere -.-

: fa xian :: zhou hui :

no more emo-ing. wan jun will be happy. i hope. haha.

muacks to ashraf (: muacks to hongmin

stay still my roaming heart.

i'm experiencing such a range of emotions and feelings in such a short period of time.. that i feel like i'm going insane. my heart hurts. my chest hurts. i'm tired to the max.

i'm considering flying off to usa for easter. just cos i need a break from everything here. and cos i cannot be around ppl who'll just aggravate the wound, and won't let me heal. haha. the draw back home is getting stronger..

i want to talk to ppl in spore. i don't know how many missed calls i have to make, before the message kinda sinks in for them. or how many empty hellos i say, before i get a reply. i just want a proper talk sometimes. a talk with someone who knows me through and through, whom i don't have to keep clarifying things with. who understands me, never judges me. no matter what.

tonight was one interesting, bloody fun night (((: hahaha. chris, mervyn, cui yin made it gooood. grins.

i shall blog more after rehearsals tmr. and after my mouth stops tasting like shit. ok. i officially fail that 'i never' line anymore. hahaha.

honestly, it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be :p